Morning!! Let me update myself here. Sister and her friend were here on 26th till 28th. We went shopping. Of course, Phillip went with us. So, here are few of the photos we taken.

Bought my lovely cute sponge bob banan pants! :D

My sis and I (back in penang)

Phillip and I :) - Kiku Zakura Time Square KL

My sis, echin and bird

And so, we did model shooting as well. Sister complaining tired. But overall, its a good experience. . The photographer requested me not to post it on if he has not posted it. So, here are some pic

Today suppose to be a happy day with my Sis and bird but it turns out to be an upset day. I'm really not happy. I feel very insecure, and upset. My heart is in pain. Two things arose me today: Sister attitude and my relationship. I really donna how to express my feeling, I just feel bitter.

Sister is really behaving very bad. I know everything that we do has it's own karma. And I'm afraid my Sis will not be able to accept it. Have been giving her advice but still she is stubborn like a cow. :((
I need someone to pamper me. T.T *crying in my heart*

Used to

I would want to talk about the word 'used to'. In fact, I always have this bad habit. For example, yesterday, I went badminton with my ex colleague and Phillip. I depend on people too much that when ever the shuttlecock flies far, I will tend to hide, and let my partner get that flying thing. I realize if I were playing one to one with friends, I can run and I don't find a problem in it. It's a bad habit that I should have get rid off which lead me to another conclusion towards my attitude, lazy.

I can be so lazy that I can't even stand myself, disappointed with it. But still, I'm working on it. :)

Hope there is improvement in it.

About me- Relationship

Ok, this gonna be long. Im gonna talk about what I think about relationship, how I handle it.

And yes, I have a memorable relationship, a person who I will never forget. I don't fall in love easily. Some says I am very choosy, but what I fall for is feeling. Just a glimpse of the person, if he could attract me, I would never turn to others. I can fall for him in a second, but will use forever to forget about him.

I will never admit I have 'first sight love', consider myself as thick face. Admitting to love someone seems to be stupid.And most of the time, I don't even know I have fall in love so deeply. I am very dumb when comes to relationship. Most of the time, I will be the last person to know that I have fall deeply to the person. Sometimes, I can just mixed up the feeling and dunno what im doing, feeling lost.

I will step backward if the person does not express his feeling. What I feel is love needs to two person, I don't like to force. I will be very passive, undecided, contradicting when comes to this point. Before any confirmation of the person, I will never fully fall for him, because I'm afraid of losing. Perhaps, its because of feeling insecure, wanted to protect myself, and yeah, consider that I am selfish.

When comes to friendship, once I have taken you as my besties, I will fall full heartily to help, care for him/her.

I will always think of the person where ever I am, will try to look for him, to see if he is there as well. I will always have illusion, until i break down and cry. It is because I realize I have crazily fall for him, will feel a sudden of scare, helpless. I don't like this feeling, because I don't know how to overcome it. I can't accept being rejected, although I look though from the outside. and yes, I'm weak.

I show myself as happy go lucky person, cause I don't want people to see my sadness. If I'm sad, I will cry alone. I will put everything in my heart. With this, I can avoid embarrassment of confessing, can avoid break up. I can look like I don't care, but whatever he says, I will listen. Even whatever he demands for, even it is over, I will still listen and follow. I look like a love slave, don't I? haha. But towards other (guys who after me), I won't even bother.

If come to a situation where he purposely/accidentally, avoid me, ignore my call, answer me "yes, no, o", I will get very crazy (in heart). I will start to think if I have do something wrong, or I have say wrong thing. I will become 'thin' face, try to be good, and to find out what I have done. But, this only can happen few times, I will consider that he hates me or do not want to see me. And then, I will come to a point of being silent. If I act silent, not talking, I know I'm scary (cause I will think more)

But when the person suddenly treated me better, I will never look back, I will forget and forgive about what he has done to me before. As long as we are happy to be together, the past, future, face, money, time, even myself don't matter anymore.

I will care for him so much, that I will forget about myself. I will fall for him so hard because I know no one can give me this happiness except him.

Just because I love him more than loving myself, might lead to unappreciated. I am the kind of doesn't think of the consequences when come to relationship. As long as I give out, I will give everything, I will never take back. The more I fall for, the more hurt I might get.

I consider I'm good in giving trouble to myself. I do not want him to get upset, will always find a good way for him to leave, and let myself to cry alone. I always think that I can overcome extraordinary stress, always think that I'm tougher than others. But sometimes, I realize that I got hurt the most, but I just don't know how to express.

The word 'I love you', I don't easily say it out, cause I think its forever. It has been a long time that I don't dream anymore. I don't dream about love, cause I am afraid that I will lose trust in it. When I say dream, it means illusion (day dreaming).

And then, I will act happy go lucky again. Some says I am very flirty, will love whoever I see. But deep in my hear, I know I will only love once, I will always laugh, encourage myself "who am i? come on! Im not that weak!!!" There is even someone who says I'm cruel, I'm selfish, proud. Who knows that I can only accept one? Who knows that I will change for him?

When I acted over happy or over sad, please do not be deceived. I don't really look happy, I don't really feel that sad. Its just sometimes, I will wear a happy mask when Im sad. And when I'm happy, the sadness has not leave me.

Alot of people will say I can act differently just in one second, what have cause me to so hard to be understand. Its because I want to show my toughness to people, covering my weakness. I always do not get appreciated in love, I guess you should have know why by now? :)

Responsible and Irresponsible

What is responsible?

Dictionary.com defines it as :

1. answerable or accountable, as for something within one's power, control, or management (often followed by to or for): He is responsible to the president for his decisions.

2. involve accountability or responsibility.

Thefreedictionary.com defines it as:

1. Liable to be required to give account, as of one's actions or of the discharge of a duty or trust.

2. Involving personal accountability or ability to act without guidance or superior authority: a responsible position within the firm.

3. Being a source or cause.

4. Able to make moral or rational decisions on one's own and therefore answerable for one's behavior.

5. Able to be trusted or depended upon; reliable.

6. Based on or characterized by good judgment or sound thinking: responsible journalism.

7. Having the means to pay debts or fulfill obligations.

8. Required to render account; answerable: The cabinet is responsible to the parliament.

I was called irresponsible for the act that I have done few days ago. Its something new to learn of. It is easy and yet not easy to be responsible. Contradicting isn't it? I suppose responsible is something that we have to practice it in our daily life. Without it a day, it can cause distrust, a bad judgement towards you, unreliable. Fight as well??

And I just realize that I don't even really know myself well. Hence, Im going to write what I think about myself as in this blog everyday.

Stay tune. :)

犀利人妻

Was watching this drama series, call 犀利人妻. Its about a good husband who fall for a young girl that the wife taking care of. I cried because I felt how the wife feel. Husband forced the wife to divorce, but regret at the end. They didn't get back together after that.

Conclusion is in life, we do not need to have excited relationship, but to be comfortable to each other, to understand, to accept each others good and bad. And do not regret, do not betray.

I was upset this evening, and was thinking if i did something wrong that i deserved a "slap" on the face. I try so hard to give way, I try so hard to get an answer, I try so hard not to be scolded, yes, I manage to avoid a fight, but there is a "stone" in my heart. And yes, i hope it will go off soon.

Cheers.

Its sunday nite

Woke up early at 6.00am this morning for mountain climbing. I got tired so fast. Stamina has gone down the hill for a long time. Use to get up hill every week few years back. Im nothing like last time, disappointed. The journey was quite rush as I woke up late, brought the wrong socks , forgot plaster, leave my towel and tissues in the car. Its kinda mess. I should climb slower next time.

Its sunday night, and I'm alone, listening to this song:




Stay tune. :)

21st till 26th June

Shall I work during this period? My Sis is coming over to KL on 25th. Hmmm.. Really hard to made a decision. Lets look for another job that doesn't require me on 25th till 27th.

Things tO be done.

I just realize that assignment isn't hard to do. As long as you put heart in it, you can finish it within a week. Kinda regret being lazy for this past few years. Is it too late? Hmm, no. I still have long way to go. I hope I could do well!! No more excuses for my delay assignment.

There are so many thing to do within this month, ying coming back from Canada, suresh tan asking to meet up in Penang, meeting wee heong and gangs, Sis coming over, photography session with Sis, hiking with Phillip's friends this Sunday, Phillip's friend wedding this coming Saturday. According to what he said, everyone wear gown. What shall I do? Where to get such clothes? Stress. Real stress. Pocket gonna be tight soon. Hopefully can let until this month.