ITs nice to read back of what I have written down previously. *self check* no improvement. I have been in my comfort zone for long. This is not good. I need to finish up my fyp ASAP. *stepping out of comfort zone to the war street*!! Got to get some armor and face all the difficulties. Good luck to me!

I dont feel good today. The dream was so real. I tought I'm going to lose someone in my dream. Sigh.. Alot of things happen so fast that I don't able to react. The feeling suck to max. I hope there is someone To calm me down now.

信

这是一封写给自己看的信。我知道在感情上，我有时候很不成熟。老是只会等待，却不会自我保护。我觉得我在这次的感情上学了很多。不知从什么时候开始，我又渐渐的走入爱情毯上。我真的很开心。直到前几天，因为我的小差错，而导致他不开心。虽然他不再计较，我的心却一直放不下。我很想知道他在想什么。我很想知道他还关心我吗？我的心好像在滴血一样。不知是我敏感，还是他的确有在避开我。好了，yiling，十年后在看这封信吧。看看自己是个怎样的人。

草于，
Elaine Ong

Angriest thing

I have being throwing tantrum since past month. Small room housemate is way too wasteful. I just received the bill today. And it's up to RM200 for almost 3 months!! What the hell? It is always around RM30. And now, I have to pay for the electricity and water that I have never use?? FML!! I don't know who to talk to. My Rm200 will be just gone like that. And still it does not include my rental. This is really disappointing. Heart is so pain. The middle room girl moved out last month. I called her to pay, she told me that she doesn't use that much of electricity and refuse to pay. What shall I do? I'm crying again. Sigh.

Morning!! Let me update myself here. Sister and her friend were here on 26th till 28th. We went shopping. Of course, Phillip went with us. So, here are few of the photos we taken.

Bought my lovely cute sponge bob banan pants! :D

My sis and I (back in penang)

Phillip and I :) - Kiku Zakura Time Square KL

My sis, echin and bird

And so, we did model shooting as well. Sister complaining tired. But overall, its a good experience. . The photographer requested me not to post it on if he has not posted it. So, here are some pic

Today suppose to be a happy day with my Sis and bird but it turns out to be an upset day. I'm really not happy. I feel very insecure, and upset. My heart is in pain. Two things arose me today: Sister attitude and my relationship. I really donna how to express my feeling, I just feel bitter.

Sister is really behaving very bad. I know everything that we do has it's own karma. And I'm afraid my Sis will not be able to accept it. Have been giving her advice but still she is stubborn like a cow. :((
I need someone to pamper me. T.T *crying in my heart*

Used to

I would want to talk about the word 'used to'. In fact, I always have this bad habit. For example, yesterday, I went badminton with my ex colleague and Phillip. I depend on people too much that when ever the shuttlecock flies far, I will tend to hide, and let my partner get that flying thing. I realize if I were playing one to one with friends, I can run and I don't find a problem in it. It's a bad habit that I should have get rid off which lead me to another conclusion towards my attitude, lazy.

I can be so lazy that I can't even stand myself, disappointed with it. But still, I'm working on it. :)

Hope there is improvement in it.

About me- Relationship

Ok, this gonna be long. Im gonna talk about what I think about relationship, how I handle it.

And yes, I have a memorable relationship, a person who I will never forget. I don't fall in love easily. Some says I am very choosy, but what I fall for is feeling. Just a glimpse of the person, if he could attract me, I would never turn to others. I can fall for him in a second, but will use forever to forget about him.

I will never admit I have 'first sight love', consider myself as thick face. Admitting to love someone seems to be stupid.And most of the time, I don't even know I have fall in love so deeply. I am very dumb when comes to relationship. Most of the time, I will be the last person to know that I have fall deeply to the person. Sometimes, I can just mixed up the feeling and dunno what im doing, feeling lost.

I will step backward if the person does not express his feeling. What I feel is love needs to two person, I don't like to force. I will be very passive, undecided, contradicting when comes to this point. Before any confirmation of the person, I will never fully fall for him, because I'm afraid of losing. Perhaps, its because of feeling insecure, wanted to protect myself, and yeah, consider that I am selfish.

When comes to friendship, once I have taken you as my besties, I will fall full heartily to help, care for him/her.

I will always think of the person where ever I am, will try to look for him, to see if he is there as well. I will always have illusion, until i break down and cry. It is because I realize I have crazily fall for him, will feel a sudden of scare, helpless. I don't like this feeling, because I don't know how to overcome it. I can't accept being rejected, although I look though from the outside. and yes, I'm weak.

I show myself as happy go lucky person, cause I don't want people to see my sadness. If I'm sad, I will cry alone. I will put everything in my heart. With this, I can avoid embarrassment of confessing, can avoid break up. I can look like I don't care, but whatever he says, I will listen. Even whatever he demands for, even it is over, I will still listen and follow. I look like a love slave, don't I? haha. But towards other (guys who after me), I won't even bother.

If come to a situation where he purposely/accidentally, avoid me, ignore my call, answer me "yes, no, o", I will get very crazy (in heart). I will start to think if I have do something wrong, or I have say wrong thing. I will become 'thin' face, try to be good, and to find out what I have done. But, this only can happen few times, I will consider that he hates me or do not want to see me. And then, I will come to a point of being silent. If I act silent, not talking, I know I'm scary (cause I will think more)

But when the person suddenly treated me better, I will never look back, I will forget and forgive about what he has done to me before. As long as we are happy to be together, the past, future, face, money, time, even myself don't matter anymore.

I will care for him so much, that I will forget about myself. I will fall for him so hard because I know no one can give me this happiness except him.

Just because I love him more than loving myself, might lead to unappreciated. I am the kind of doesn't think of the consequences when come to relationship. As long as I give out, I will give everything, I will never take back. The more I fall for, the more hurt I might get.

I consider I'm good in giving trouble to myself. I do not want him to get upset, will always find a good way for him to leave, and let myself to cry alone. I always think that I can overcome extraordinary stress, always think that I'm tougher than others. But sometimes, I realize that I got hurt the most, but I just don't know how to express.

The word 'I love you', I don't easily say it out, cause I think its forever. It has been a long time that I don't dream anymore. I don't dream about love, cause I am afraid that I will lose trust in it. When I say dream, it means illusion (day dreaming).

And then, I will act happy go lucky again. Some says I am very flirty, will love whoever I see. But deep in my hear, I know I will only love once, I will always laugh, encourage myself "who am i? come on! Im not that weak!!!" There is even someone who says I'm cruel, I'm selfish, proud. Who knows that I can only accept one? Who knows that I will change for him?

When I acted over happy or over sad, please do not be deceived. I don't really look happy, I don't really feel that sad. Its just sometimes, I will wear a happy mask when Im sad. And when I'm happy, the sadness has not leave me.

Alot of people will say I can act differently just in one second, what have cause me to so hard to be understand. Its because I want to show my toughness to people, covering my weakness. I always do not get appreciated in love, I guess you should have know why by now? :)

Responsible and Irresponsible

What is responsible?

Dictionary.com defines it as :

1. answerable or accountable, as for something within one's power, control, or management (often followed by to or for): He is responsible to the president for his decisions.

2. involve accountability or responsibility.

Thefreedictionary.com defines it as:

1. Liable to be required to give account, as of one's actions or of the discharge of a duty or trust.

2. Involving personal accountability or ability to act without guidance or superior authority: a responsible position within the firm.

3. Being a source or cause.

4. Able to make moral or rational decisions on one's own and therefore answerable for one's behavior.

5. Able to be trusted or depended upon; reliable.

6. Based on or characterized by good judgment or sound thinking: responsible journalism.

7. Having the means to pay debts or fulfill obligations.

8. Required to render account; answerable: The cabinet is responsible to the parliament.

I was called irresponsible for the act that I have done few days ago. Its something new to learn of. It is easy and yet not easy to be responsible. Contradicting isn't it? I suppose responsible is something that we have to practice it in our daily life. Without it a day, it can cause distrust, a bad judgement towards you, unreliable. Fight as well??

And I just realize that I don't even really know myself well. Hence, Im going to write what I think about myself as in this blog everyday.

Stay tune. :)

犀利人妻

Was watching this drama series, call 犀利人妻. Its about a good husband who fall for a young girl that the wife taking care of. I cried because I felt how the wife feel. Husband forced the wife to divorce, but regret at the end. They didn't get back together after that.

Conclusion is in life, we do not need to have excited relationship, but to be comfortable to each other, to understand, to accept each others good and bad. And do not regret, do not betray.

I was upset this evening, and was thinking if i did something wrong that i deserved a "slap" on the face. I try so hard to give way, I try so hard to get an answer, I try so hard not to be scolded, yes, I manage to avoid a fight, but there is a "stone" in my heart. And yes, i hope it will go off soon.

Cheers.

Its sunday nite

Woke up early at 6.00am this morning for mountain climbing. I got tired so fast. Stamina has gone down the hill for a long time. Use to get up hill every week few years back. Im nothing like last time, disappointed. The journey was quite rush as I woke up late, brought the wrong socks , forgot plaster, leave my towel and tissues in the car. Its kinda mess. I should climb slower next time.

Its sunday night, and I'm alone, listening to this song:




Stay tune. :)

21st till 26th June

Shall I work during this period? My Sis is coming over to KL on 25th. Hmmm.. Really hard to made a decision. Lets look for another job that doesn't require me on 25th till 27th.

Things tO be done.

I just realize that assignment isn't hard to do. As long as you put heart in it, you can finish it within a week. Kinda regret being lazy for this past few years. Is it too late? Hmm, no. I still have long way to go. I hope I could do well!! No more excuses for my delay assignment.

There are so many thing to do within this month, ying coming back from Canada, suresh tan asking to meet up in Penang, meeting wee heong and gangs, Sis coming over, photography session with Sis, hiking with Phillip's friends this Sunday, Phillip's friend wedding this coming Saturday. According to what he said, everyone wear gown. What shall I do? Where to get such clothes? Stress. Real stress. Pocket gonna be tight soon. Hopefully can let until this month.

I DO

This lyrics is to represent to Phillip Lau. I mean every of the words in it.

I DO

It's always been about me myself and I
If all relationships were nothing but a waste of time
I never wanted to be anybody's other half
I was happy to say that our love wouldn't last
That was the only way I knew to that you

You make we wanna say
I do, I do, I do, do do do do do do doo
Yeah, I do, I do, I do, do do do do do do doo
Cause every time before we spend like
Maybe yes and maybe no
I can live without it, I can let it go
Ooh, I did, I get myself into
You make we wanna say I do, I do, I do, I do, I do, I do,

Tell me is it only me
Do you feel the same?
You know me well enough to know that I'm not playing games
I promise I won't turn around and I won't let you down
You can trust and never feel it now
Baby there's nothing, there's nothing we can't get through


So can we say
I do, I do, I do, do do do do do do doo
Oh baby, I do, I do, I do, do do do do do do doo
Cause every time before we spend like
Maybe yes and maybe no
I won't live without it, I won't let it go
Wooh Can I get myself into
You make we wanna say

Me a family, a house a family
Ooh, can we be a family?
And when I'm old and sit next to you.

And when we remember when we said
I do, I do, I do, do do do do do do doo
Oh baby, I do, I do, I do, do do do do do do doo
Cause every time before we spend like
Maybe yes and maybe no
I won't live without it, I won't let it go
Just look at what we got ourselves into
You make we wanna say I do, I do, I do, I do, I do, I do,
Love you

I have a sweetheart

Yeah, I have a sweetheart. He is an ordinary guy with extraordinary personality. I feel lucky to have him by my side, and I really hope that he will always be with me forever. Though we were together for half a month, it's seem like we have been together for more than 2 years. We kinda know each other well. We have almost same thought all the time when it comes to decision making or future planning. The thing that I might be worry of is if we have different decision, we will never give way to each others. He is a nice guy, and I hope he is the one I'm looking for.

I might give him trouble as I'm still young, but I hope he would be patient to guide me through cz I really really like him. I will definitely give him support that he needed in every single area of his life. I'm might seem not serious in this relationship to others, but I really really do! P/s: Baby, I wish you would know this too.

Hope that our relationship would last long. I love you babes. :)

facebook is all over my head. Goshh!! I can't concentrate on my studies!! Good luck to me!!!

In the middle

I'm always the middle person to someone. -____-

ok, I was stuck in between couple relationship again. I don't have the intention to spoil anyone relationship, but it always visit me. I should not hang out with guys who is married or in relationship anymore. If you know you have not settle your relationship with your spouse yet, please do so. Plus, I will not be interested with guys who just broke up cause I know they have not settle down themselves yet. And, I know what I want. So, please please please please please!!!

Till then.

Do the right thing

Do the right thing before you regret. Today is quite a 'rush' day as we decide to change our mentor in Microsoft Imagine Cup 2011. The last day of getting flight tickets and making last changes is really not a good thing. Our mentor, Mr. Harsha Rao register himself as our mentor today.

Not to say being mean, but we need someone who can guide us and give us support all the way. Our previous mentor was more like taking our resources and apply it on other groups, in other words, being buyers. Look down to us, not giving guidance, and most important is mentor is actually a resource too to make the greatest impact on the product that we producing.

We don't want to regret because we did not have good mentor and did not able to get into final round! So, here we are, NEW YORK, we are booking you!! :p


We as a team present you Filius Educata!

hot weather in KL

Ok, for today, I did nothing but sleep! The weather is too hot! I skipped class and went back home, take shower and thinking of taking a nap. And it became a long(3hours) nap instead!!!

Woke up and plan for my night life. Going to somewhere to relax my mind today. Till then. :)

In Aug 2009,

I try this personal test at home. Don't know if it is true. The result as at below :

Your view on yourself:

You are down-to-earth and people like you because you are so straightforward. You are an efficient problem solver because you will listen to both sides of an argument before making a decision that usually appeals to both parties.
The type of girlfriend/boyfriend you are looking for:

You are a true romantic. When you are in love, you will do anything and everything to keep your love true.
Your readiness to commit to a relationship:

You are ready to commit as soon as you meet the right person. And you believe you will pretty much know as soon as you might that person.
The seriousness of your love:

Your have very sensible tactics when approaching the opposite sex. In many ways people find your straightforwardness attractive, so you will find yourself with plenty of dates.
Your views on education

Education is very important in life. You want to study hard and learn as much as you can.
The right job for you:

You're a practical person and will choose a secure job with a steady income. Knowing what you like to do is important. Find a regular job doing just that and you'll be set for life.
How do you view success:

You are afraid of failure and scared to have a go at the career you would like to have in case you don't succeed. Don't give up when you haven't yet even started! Be courageous.
What are you most afraid of:

You are afraid of things that you cannot control. Sometimes you show your anger to cover up how you feel.
Who is your true self:

You like privacy very much because you enjoy spending time with your own thoughts. You like to disappear when you cannot find solutions to your own problems, but you would feel better if you learned to share your thoughts with a person you trust.

In Mar 2011, I tried it again,

Your view on yourself:

You are intelligent, honest and sweet. You are friendly to everybody and don't like conflict. Because you're so cheerful and fun people are naturally attracted to you and like to talk to you.
The type of girlfriend/boyfriend you are looking for:

You like serious, smart and determined people. You don't judge a book by its cover, so good-looking people aren't necessarily your style. This makes you an attractive person in many people's eyes.
Your readiness to commit to a relationship:

You prefer to get to know a person very well before deciding whether you will commit to the relationship.
The seriousness of your love:

Your have very sensible tactics when approaching the opposite sex. In many ways people find your straightforwardness attractive, so you will find yourself with plenty of dates.
Your views on education

You may not like to study but you have many practical ideas. You listen to your own instincts and tend to follow your heart, so you will probably end up with an unusual job.
The right job for you:

You have many goals and want to achieve as much as you can. The jobs you enjoy are those that let you burn off your considerable excess energy.
How do you view success:

You are confident that you will be successful in your chosen career and nothing will stop you from trying.
What are you most afraid of:

You are afraid of things that you cannot control. Sometimes you show your anger to cover up how you feel.
Who is your true self:

You are mature, reasonable, honest and give good advice. People ask for your comments on all sorts of different issues. Sometimes you might find yourself in a dilemma when trapped with a problem, which your heart rather than your head needs to solve.

How true can this be??

I find out that all of the above suit me well except for the relationship part, I 'semi'-disagree with the one in Mar 2011, cause look counts. As long as I can stand to look into your face, you pass!

1st Chapter of my life - LEARN

Don't be shock that I wrote "Before I Leave This World" blog. It doesn't mean I am leaving or dying soon. I just want to remind myself of what I want to do before I die.
I'm still young, 22 this year.

Something came across my mind when few of my relatives pass away within a year time. Plus, bf left me with all the responsible that he suppose to carry. Make my burden heavier. I don't want to regret of not doing anything before I die(touchwood). In this blog, I will write down all the list of what I want to do in my life. Of course, there will be added on list in "Before I Leave This World" as time pass.

1st, Get a job that I'm interested in. I'm interested in doing sales. I prefer to meet people rather than staying at the office for 8 hours. Of course there are sales that I don't like, such as lie to customers on things which is untrue or I shall say being unethical. I have work as student helper in APIIT before, and the way they promote their education is interesting, but to me, it is really immoral(untrue sometimes). I don't know if all the businesses are like this or only certain companies make this unethical behavior.

2nd, I want to learn how to swim. Until now, I have not learn how to swim yet. I was too shy because of my body. I don't take courage to do it. So, I must get rid of my shyness to learn to swim!

3rd, Have a romantic and serious relationship. This could only happen for once. I know it might fail for several times before I could succeed it. But, I really want to have a serious relationship where the guy fall in love with me and I fall for him. Of course, he should love me more. There is something I'm curious in, why there are guys who after me and I'm not interested in? Am I choosy or they are just not the right person? I don't want to be choosy, and I guess it won't happen.

4th, Learn to move on whenever bad things happen. I am the kind of person who don't want to lose. Whenever I face a bad situation, I realize I can't stand up. This take times. And of course, I will be patient to wait for it.

5th, Pay for my sister for further education. She wants to study in oversea which this is my dream too. Since she is younger than me, I hope she can get a better study and a better life. If there is a chance, I want to go oversea and further my study. All this need money, and so, I need to earn alot of money.

6th, Get a good car for myself. When I was 19, I wish to have Skyline, 20, I wish to have minicooper. Now, serious thinking, hmmmmmm, a BMW X8?? This model hasn't out yet, I will wait for it. LOL. Else, I will wait and see.

This is all I can think of for now. If there is add on, I will continue in the next post.